Well, for the past few weeks a fair portion of the media has been patently awash with rumours about possible transfers from the Edinburgh Festival to the capital. As the dandruffy dust of the Fringe finally starts to settle though, we can now announce what shows are actually booked in for a run in the West End.

First up is Matthew Bourne’s new adaptation of The Picture of Dorian Gray. Opening at the Sadler’s Wells Theatre yesterday, this version of Wilde’s classic novel is told exclusively through the medium of dance. I can hear a few of you scoffing at the back, so I’ll ask you to cut that out if you’ll please. In fact, Bourne’s version of Dorian Gray is the biggest-selling dance show in the history of the Edinburgh Festival… So, yeah; not so funny now is it?

Running until September 14th, Dorian Gray then goes on a brief national tour so look out for it then.

The second adaptation on offer is the Filter Theatre Company’s version of Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night. Now, we’ve got to be a little careful here because this show is billed as, and I quote: “an irreverent re-interpretation” of the bard. Please, stop me if I’m wrong but crowning a play an “irreverent re-interpretation” of Shakespeare makes me think that the whole thing is going to be utter bumdrizzle. The thought of doing any Shakespeare ‘irreverently’ conjures up images of the cast, stripped to the waist, writhing around in jelly and chanting the St Crispen’s Day Speech in text speak or something… gulp. In fact, I once went to see a version of an ‘irreverent’ Romeo and Juliet at The National which I believe had a bizarre little interlude that consisted of someone trying to ride an out-of-control animatronic elephant. Where as the actor was doing a sterling job pretending to be swung around in a desperate attempt to control this great lumbering machine, the ‘elephant’ insisted on defecating four or five times over the stage. Hilarious? Frightening? Disgusting? I have no idea what that was all about. In fact, now that I’ve said that out loud I’m not altogether sure it wasn’t a dream I had once… no, I’m convinced it did happen.

Anyway, this version of Twelfth Night comes steaming into the Tricycle Theatre where it runs until the 27th September. It’s supposed to be a fantazzy jazzy bop-down and pretty infectious to boot; so, hopefully there will be little room for Nelly the incontinent elephant to pack her proverbial trunk.

September 4th sees the opening of Joan Rivers: A Work in Progress by a Life in Progress. A huge success at the Fringe, the show will be playing at the New Leicester Square Theatre until the 18th and then returns for an eight week run over Christmas. This self-penned comedy is a glimpse into the personal life of one of the most popular performers of the last 40 years. Centring around the backstage area of an Oscar Award ceremony at which she was doing some presenting, the play is supposed to be funny and tragic in nigh on equal measure.

Not exactly an ‘adaptation’ I hear you bellow.

Still, what can you do? No one’s perfect…

Now, I know Ms Rivers is a popular performer but I’m afraid I’m going to have to remain unconvinced. I mean don’t you find that her act is like a cheap adaptation of a sickly 70s’ desert (a ha! Adaptation! I knew I could do it: three out of three). She’s like a trifle or a glass of flat Babycham or something-

OUTRAGED BYSTANDER: Here, what are you doing? You can’t have a pop at Joan Rivers; she’s an institution!

Indeed, so’s Broadmoor and they don’t let inmates there prattle on about when they used to co-host the Tonight Show in the mid 60s… Oh wait, in fact, they probably do. Still, they at least have the common courtesy to not allow them on television.

Joan Rivers: A Work in Progress by a Life in Progress has received a cluster of good reviews and is set to run in the capital from tomorrow. Keep your eyes open for that… Joan will be, but then she has awful trouble closing hers.